Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My Grand Opening

Today was my Britney’s grand opening. Oh how nervous I get over this little exam. And you know what was even worse? I went to a man doctor. Yes, that’s right. I took my Britney to a man. I’m not sure what’s worse: having your foot in stirrups and just letting your “knees fall open” with a man all up in your hoochie coochie and company, or having your foot in stirrups and just letting your “knees fall open” with a woman in your up in your hoochie coochie and company. Both disturb me but I did like this doctor. I think it’s true that men doctors are more sympathetic than their women counterparts.

I arrived for my appointment and was all frustrated and turned around and just wanted to get a milkshake (at 8:00 a.m.) and go home. I had, in fact, already discounted this doctor before I met him. I had a complete altercation of comebacks to snap in case the staff had any remarks of my tardiness. They were all very friendly actually. The nurse was sweet and thorough, and the doctor actually sat down and talked with me about every issue/symptom possible before I got nakey. My old doctor merely nodded her head and said it was no big deal as she shoved her fingers in as if she were pulling my teeth through my va-jay-jay. Um, ouch!

Due to frequent bladder infections and the sugar coated tinkle sample I’d given recently, Doc thought he should check my electrolytes and a bunch of other big words. And wouldn’t you know he wanted to do this by sticking a needle the size of a lightpole in my arm? I turned pale and nearly hit the floor at the thought. I told him that wasn’t a good idea and I was a bad patient. He didn’t mention it any further until I was about to leave. The, oh then, he had me come back! Oh the trauma. I lied down and began to cry big alligator tears because I’m a really mature mid-twenty-something you know. Oh the anxiety I feel at such thoughts. Tears are inevitable.

I’m as shocked as you when I say the worse part was when she tied that little thing around my arm. This was the gentlest nurse I’d ever had. Despite the fact that I have a bruise on my itty bitty wee little arm that is roughly the size and shape of a Boeing 747, it could have been worse. I know, I can’t believe I said it either. It still sucked, don’t get me wrong. But I didn’t pass out so that’s a big step.

Oh, and I had three boxes of Girl Scout cookies to console me. God bless the Girl Scouts for being their in my time of weakness need. Unfortunately I only ate 5 cookies, but I had lofty aspirations for all three boxes in one sitting.

So I left the doctor with my juice box (don’t judge me!) and handful of prescriptions. Seriously I thought he might run out of paper if he didn’t quit writing. That and I’m sure I’ll be adequately billed for the new prescription pad.

I’ll be gallivanting off to the Target pharmacy this evening and also to console myself in a good bargain somewhere in the store.

And then I have homework from the doctor. I’ll bet my husband is going to enjoy said homework, ahem.


Cakabaker said...

yes, I know these yearly trips are not the most pleasant for us, but they are necessary. My dr. is also very caring, and will talk to you about anything. Makes the visit go more smoothly.

Zoe D. said...

Just reading about you giving blood made me woooozy! UGH!

JayJenny said...

Homework huh? Could it be??