Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Now Open: Mrs. M's Loveline

Lately I've had several close girlfriends come to me with advice regarding love, dating, relationships, and guys.

First of all, I truly love this! It's such fun to share in juicy secrets with girlfriends and be part of their life by temporarily acting as if we're at a middle school dance and being all giggly. I feel really honored and special that they share details with me since I know at this age you have few friends in which you share such things.

Second of all, me? Why are you coming to me! I sucked at the whole dating thing and my best and longest relationship turned out to be my husband! Want proof of how horribly bad I was? Here you go!

Mrs. M's Not So Fabulous Dating History:
(coming soon to a reality show near you!)
  1. On the van ride home from head start my "boyfriend" Josh put his jacket over our heads so he could kiss me and no one would see. Smooth.
  2. Above "boyfriend" moved away and I moved on to his cousin Zach in kindergarten. We kissed in the planetarium on a field trip and he brought me a pink corsage to the school dance. He dumped me for another girl with my same name. Traitor!
  3. I kissed boys. All the time. I was the constant recipient of a letter sent home to my parents saying something along the lines of "please have your hot lipped hussy of a daughter put her pucker away during school hours as it is not appropriate to kiss the boys. It's also not appropriate to chase and tackle the boys before kissing them. We appreciate your assistance in dealing with this ongoing matter." That was me, the classroom harlot.
  4. I had my first "real" kiss in fifth grade behind the divider. (Racy!) He dumped me at the entrance to the National Zoo on our class field trip to DC. It was a double break-up with my best friend who was dating his best friend. Jerks!
  5. In middle school I kissed my boyfriend in "the elevator room" before play practice. The relationship didn't even make it to our final performance.
  6. In high school I fell for a very charming and preppy "bad boy". We would "cruise town" and make out at his house during tennis practice. He'd take me back to the courts before my parents would pick me up. We were history by the end of the season. Did I mention my tennis coach was also my church pastor? Scandelous!
  7. My on and off junior and senior year my boyfriend was a year ahead of me. He dumped me just before my senior prom. Therefore he left me no choice but to tell everyone in our very small town that he was gay. Hey, it was the only reason I could figure he dump a hot commodity such as myself. Idiot!
  8. In college I dated (loosely stated) the above mentioned boyfriend to basically use him for bling-bling, free meals, and the standby date to sorority events. I insisted I hadn't a clue as to how above rumors were started! (Ruthless!) I moved on to a real frat guy by the end of my freshman year. Showed him!
  9. While breaking up with a boyfriend in college because I was not his number one priority and I didn't feel that he always treated me like the princess I was (what was he thinking?) he said "I can't believe you're doing this, you'll never find what we have." To which I replied, "Good, because this sucks!" Score one for me!
  10. I had a mad crush on a good friend through most of my college years (such a good friend I have no clue where he is or what he's doing now!) but never let him know because I felt it was obvious he didn't return my affection. Besides a few casual dates and my wild fantasies of having his babies, nothing! (Maybe he was gay too? And thankfully, I didn't have his babies!)
  11. Boyfriend mentioned in #8 was standby date for me in college as well. (The loser is older than me and still can't manage to come up with a degree even from the community college.) However when I was just being friendly and invited him to a costume party he gets a big head that apparently I'm head over heels for him and apparently I'm so cool now because I'm a sorority girl. However when I harshly turned him down (if you know what I mean) he was a total ass to me for the next week until the actual party which he did show up to go to. I guess he thought I'd changed my mind since I was dressed as sexy, prostitute kitty (NO! I didn't come up with that, it was from SNL!). He gushed over me all night and I allowed him to before demanding he take me home. He tried to kiss me, I dodged, loudly proclaimed "I have standards" and shut the door in his face. He called all night, and day, and night, for several weeks. Embarrasing!
  12. Then there was the guy I met at a mixer who had a great personality and was very sweet. He promised me the world but gave me hell. I was relentless in pursuing what I thought was a relationship before realizing he was really none of the above things and only convinced me to think so by woo-ing me with wonderful fruity drinks all night while I belted out karaoke at the top of my lungs and thought I was cool. However a while later at another party (ok a mixer entitled White Trash: Meth Labs and Ghetto Fabs) as he turned on the charm again. He took me home and tried to walk me to the door when I not-so-politely stated, "I'm not sure why you're suddenly playing cupid, but give it up because I've moved on to bigger and better things" Ok, so maybe I said a few other things and we were in an awkward situation, but I don't want you to think too badly of me. Thanks to A. and Mrs. S. for seeing me through that one! Furthermore, while at another after party from Homecoming on a chilly October night, Mrs. S pushed him into a pool with one hand all while holding a drink in her other hand! HA! Now that is a true friend! (By the way, we kinda left the party then!)

There have been handfuls more of what I lovingly call "90 Day Romances" that I'm so famous (infamous?) for during my dating and especially collegiate years. (I even attempted to break up with J after 90 days because I just thought that was how it worked! Thankfully that hiatus was short lived and God definitely showed us we were meant to be!) However I'll save all the Murphy's-Law-type juicy details of my less than stellar dating years for a very dry novel, coming soon to the NY Times Bestseller List.

So back to my wondering why-for-the-love-of-everything-good my friends come to me for advice. Perhaps they think I have it all figured out since I have a husband. Perhaps they worship me for my rockin' dating history. (Quit holding your sides with laughter pains). At any rate, I love these girls and I'm so happy to listen and offer advice and an objective opinion. Funny how the same advice and objective opinions I give are the ones I never took. Go figure.

Anyone one out there have a great (or not-so great) dating story? Please share!


Amy said...

I think my dating history would be painful to chronicle...Robert (Married to a great girl I think we all know), Korey (Rebound), Kip (Gay!), Jermey (Maybe Gay?), Daniel ---(AHH...there is no explanation for that 5+ years of foolishness), Jayme (hot, not sure how that ever happened), Back to Daniel, that red head guy whose names escapes me but who dumped me on Spring Break and then did not talk to me for a couple of days and I went to formal with him anyway, back to Daniel, Brandon -Thank God for small favors! And I think there was a small stint with Alex Kandlacas (another Rebound) but I think that lasted for 5 days until I came to my senses that a relationship between a 6 foot 5 inches Greek guy with acne was not going to work with a 5 foot midget.

girl from the south said...

As I reminded you last night, what about the frat brother of #12, who was your date to spring formal junior year? If I remember the story right, the two of you made out in the backseat of Amy's car on the way back to campus because you were both too drunk to drive.

Actually, wasn't #10 in the same fraternity? We really needed to circulate in the UT Greek system a bit more.

Oh, and another memory of #12. During the same Ghetto Fabulous mixer, I ended cussing out the majority of the said fraternity brothers in an earnest quest to find you in that house. I later found out that we were downing moonshine in the hunch punch instead of the usual vodka, which also might explain our behavior that night.

BlondeMom said...

I can't get over the mixer name...
"White Trash: Meth Labs and Ghetto Fabs." SNORT! ;)

I once dated a guy in college who was probably metrosexual (before that term was coined...I'm 37 so college was 1987-1991.) Any way, he worked at the nice men's clothing store at the mall. One night he invited me over to his apartment so we could just rent a movie and eat pizza, a "cheap date" night because he was "broke." He proceeded to then show me the fabulous new sweater and cologne he had just purchased with his paycheck from the mall retail job.

Needless to say we didn't go out any more after that.