Wednesday, April 04, 2007

An open letter to my fellow Kroger shoppers

Dear Idiots Who Shop At My Market,

You make me miserable. As you see me drive down the pike, every single one of you jump in your cars and follow. This makes Kroger very crowded.

Some of you are really special though. For example, all of you inconsiderate bastards who use your cell phone with one hand and don't bother to steer your cart with the other, thus leaving it in the middle of the aisle while you stand behind it idly chatting away, you really make me say bad words. I'd attempt to be polite and say "excuse me", but you couldn't hear me over your fabulous conversation. Did you like it when I rammed your cart with mine giving you a sweet, yet very pissed off smile, no? That was fun for me.

How about all of you shoppers with kids? Eh, kids? How about the ones with their stupid roller skate shoes. You know what? I'm going to start tripping them. Them I'm going to laugh. I'll probably point when I laugh at your bad-mannered, disrespectful children lying on the floor because they rudely whizzed by me nearly knocking me down when I was trying to pick out a few decent apples.

How about your slutty pre-teen girls? Please, if you allow your child to wear glorified underwear as shorts and a second skin shirt all in shades of light pink, please request that she doesn't wear a black bra for the boobs that are nonexistent. This makes her look like a two dollar hooker. Oh, and she shouldn't bend over in those shorts, fyi!

Lastly, to the woman who exhibited the most dumbassery of the day, the lady with the dog. No, not a seeing eye dog. Not even an annoying toy looking dog shoved in her purse. But a (many expletives here) lab type dog that you very thoughtfully laid a towel out for so you could snuggly put it in the large part of your cart. The market is not a damn pet store. By the way, thanks so much for that look you gave me when I told you that the market was not a damn pet store. I know it was mean, but I was so happy having said that to you, that I didn't care. I'd have insisted the manager make you and your mutt leave (because of all the things I need on my produce, pet dander and fleas are not among them) but I was just ready to leave the whole hellacious, anxiety induced experience and go home that my being snarky to you was satisfaction enough.

With Kind Regards,
Mrs. M

PS* You make me want to throw up a little.

HEY, Don't forget to go here! If you want the chocolate brown or the hot pink, you better hurry. Also, if you sign the linky, you have to link back to be eligible for the drawing.


JayJenny said...

OMG, thanks for that. Someone needed to say it! I'm so glad I'm not alone!!

girl from the south said...

Dumbassery has to be the greatest word I've heard in a while. Major props for that one.

Seriously, a big dog? Was it fully grown or a puppy? We used to bring Rascal shopping when he was a puppy, but never to a grocery store. That's just gross.

P.S. Can I trade grocery stores? I despise Safeway and their Soviet-like choices of foods.

Robin said...

Your letter sums up exaclty how I feel after my trips to the grocery store.

One of my biggest pet peeves at the store is to get behind the lady or man who likes to park the cart in MIDDLE OF THE ISLE & then stand in front of the cereal for like 4 minutes, before picking a box.

As I try to stand there patiently, they finally notice & turn & look at me and say, "Oh, am I in your way?".

Yes! Now, move!

Kimba said...

You've summed up my feelings every time I am forced to venture into the grocery store. I always fear that people are driving their cars the same way they drive their carts! Ugh! I suggest shopping late at night, it's the only way!