Thursday, April 26, 2007

The best of times, the worst of times

I was told this week that the second year of marriage is the hardest. (It was followed with a "so, good luck with that" given that my second year is about to start.) I've also been told the first year is the hardest. And also that if you make it past the fifth, you're doing fine. Well, my grandparents proved the latter wrong by divorcing after 40 years. (I know, you're thinking what the? So did I.)

J and I had an easy first year I'd say. It was definitely a learning experience and I feel like I learn something about him everyday. We also had extra stresses that could have been potentially harmful to our relationship with the craziness that is my uterus donor. We've never really had a fight, just the discussion of what would be the biggest fight ever. Sure we have disagreements or arguments, but really it's just when one of us is already in a bad mood. We're both pretty quick to say "I'm a crabby pants, you probably don't wanna be around me."

I'm sure it won't always be this easy for us, and perhaps next year will bring about difficult challenges. However, I have tremendous faith that we're going to survive whatever comes our way. Giving my family history, divorce is one of my biggest fears. However J and have already decided that it would be too expensive, and why divorce if we could have the golden opportunity to be miserable together forever. Now that's love!

So back to all seriousness, what was your hardest year or time in your marriage. You don't have to give great detail to the whole Internet, just a little advice or insight. Also for the newlyweds like myself, what have been your challenges and learning experiences or what do you fear the most? For the singles out there, what are the biggest challenges in your dating life?

Go ahead, discuss.


Swistle said...

What a great question! I've noticed that people always like to give bad news, even if they have to make it up, so even though we're heading for our 10th anniversary we're still hearing things like "Oh, 7 year itch!" and "Well, the first ten years are really the honeymoon phase." Ug. (Same thing happens with babies: the first one is the hardest, the second one is the hardest, you think two is hard wait until you have three, etc.)

I don't think we've had a "hardest part" of our marriage. It seems like it's a normal mix of good stuff and crabby stuff and little irritations and the occasional panicky feeling of having made a big mistake but too late now. I found it difficult when we had our first baby and I realized that even if my husband and I divorced, we'd still have to be in regular contact for the rest of our lives.

Zoe D. said...

Hmm, well, we're going on 2 years, and so far no problems. Of course we've been together for 8 years... so maybe my opinion doesn't matter.

JayJenny said...

First of all, I think every relationship and couple is unique and it isn't so easy to say what year will be your hardest or most trying. Since Jay and I have been together for so long (10 years this year; 3 of those married), I can safely say that each new year brings it's share of joy, love, renewed dedication and also lows that any marriage can suffer. The key is to maintain your friendship, to celebrate yourselves as a couple and to grow in all things, good and bad. I think if you can do that, you will be successful and in love forever. I don't think you have a thing to worry about, you two seem to have good senses of humor - and that can carry you far! XOXO

Cherie said...

Best of times, worst of times... hmmm... Well, looking back I think I'd have to say that the 2nd year was definitely harder than the first. Our first year was a breeze - so our second year, although not horrible, was when we did a little more of our adjusting. Honestly, though, I think I'm still waiting for our "hardest year" - although our circumstances have been hard at times, I'm thankful that our relationship has stayed pretty rock-solid, and is getting stronger as we go!
Good luck on your second year!

Sitting said...

We've been together a long. long. LONG. time. Committed for almost 14 years, married for 8 of those. We lived together before we were married, so much of the "pick up your gd underwear" stuff had already been sorted out.

I would say, though, that the hardest year of our marriage to date was the year after our daughter was born. Parenthood brought a lot of adjustments (which we decided to spice up with a cross-country move and other fun!). I also had post-partum depression, so yeah, that didn't help.

Truth is, though, we hang in there. Sometimes it's effortless, sometimes it is hard. But we keep changing -- as individuals and as a couple -- and that journey has all sorts of surprisese and rewards.

Anonymous said...

Our first year of marriage was a challenge, but not due to our relationship. We had all ready dealt with the learning to cohabitate and understand our roles with one another. But we had horrible job situations, hated the city we lived in, moved cross country, bought a house, started home repair projects, dealt with two family deaths, started new jobs, dealt with unforeseen finical issues, and got a dog all in the first year. However all the “obstacles,” as some would call them, made us stronger. Fortunately we both have moved so much in our careers that we are very adept to moving to a new city and looking at it as a new adventure. Being the only two people that you know in a new city can be pretty scary, but it made us stronger. I can truly say that my husband is also my best friend. We knew when to let each other vent, and when to tell each other to suck it up and move on. We are half way through our second year of marriage, and we often wonder how we were so lucky to find someone so amazing. Especially when we hear of horrible problems in other people’s marriages and we wonder how were we so lucky. For us things keep getting better for us and we keep learning from one another. Here is for hoping the next 10 are as good as the first!

jessica myers said...

I believe that marriage is a beautiful thing. The one thing that I have noticed in life, is that it is what you make out of it. So no matter what anyone tells you, it's your life, and your marriage will work as long as the both of you are working for it. I like that you are doing so well with your marriage. Most people don't get that lucky:)!! But just like i said your marriage, just like your life, will be whatever you make it out to be.
I see in your description that you like to do volunteer work. I am writing to you because I am in a English class that we must find someone with a similar blog as I do, and comment on their page. I liked yours because I wanted to talk to you more about volunteering. I am an active volunteer right now,so i hold it close to my heart. Well I was just trying to comment on your blog, let you know that I find your writing very interesting to read, and hopefully you'll come and visit my page and leave me a comment!

good day:)

brittny said...

Congrats on your first year! I heard the first year was the hardest, but Will and I did just fine. We had ups and downs, but nothing that would make me say it was the hardest year. Our pastor told us that the first 7 years are the hardest, which I had heard that in school too. I guess it's because you're still getting your finances settled, you're starting to have kids, etc. Who knows. Will and I are on the road to year 4 right now and I'm not really sure what it holds for us! I know the last 3 were great and I pray the same for you two!