Tuesday, October 24, 2006


Yesterday was my dad's birthday. Not that that is the only time I think of him, but it certainly reminds me more. I ate brownies, lots of brownies, I decided he would have wanted it that way. On the bright side, I made them with applesauce instead of oil. (He probably would not have wanted it that way!)

I'm certain I'll never get over losing my dad, and especially at such a young age. But, I think I'm finally to a point that I can accept it a little more. God had truly brought me full circle and has taught me to fully rely on him and to trust and have faith even when I don't want to and even when it sucks. I just hope I can keep his memory, zest, and vibrance alive to continually share with my little brother.

I know that he died when he did for a reason and that it's all part of God's perfect plan. I've still not seen that reason and it's hard to accept that I may never see it and may never know. It's also hard to look at my little brother and all that he lost during the first 10 years of his life and to not be so angry. But what is the point of that? Being harbored full of anger and bitterness won't give me any answers. I know that my dad wouldn't want any of us to feel that way.

Instead, I try to remember the happier times and rejoice in his life rather than be angry at his death. It's not easy, oh it's so not easy. It downright sucks. I pray that my brother will be able to do this as well. He's so young and full of life, and I don't want him to be jaded his loss. The sadness and pain never goes away, but the sweet memories don't either. I know he wants me and little brother to celebrate life, his and ours, and not mourn and grieve it away.

Plus I see my dad in so many places, in my husband, in my brother, and in the voices in my head! Seriously, I'll catch myself saying something look around thinking, "Hey Dad, quit throwing your voice!"

No comments: