4:45 AM, A One Act Play

Day: Wednesday
Time: 4:45 am
Place: Bed
People: Mr. and Mrs. M

(Mrs. M has just returned from the bathroom because she drinks too much and has the bladder of a three year old. She was dreaming of something beeping but as she lies back down she can still hear it. It's the smoke detector.)

Mrs. M: Honey..... (tap, tap, tap) Honey...
Mr. M: Mmmfffph zzzzz...
Mrs. M: Honey...the battery is dead in the smoke detector and it won't quit beeping. Will you take it down.
Mr. M: Mmmfffph zzzzz....
Mrs. M: J! Wake Up!
Mr. M: HUH?
Mrs. M: The battery is dead in the smoke detector and it won't quit beeping. Will you take it down.
Mr. M: Why me?
Mrs. M: Because I can't reach it.
Mr. M: Did you try?

Mrs. M puts on her huffy, puffy voice

Mrs. M: No! I'd have to get a chair and turn on all the lights and I don't know how to get it down and I'd make all kinds of noise and well you're awake now so just get up and go take it down please and thank you!

Mr. M gets out of bed slightly growling and pulls the smoke detector out the bedroom ceiling. Mrs. M watches.

Beep................Beep.................

Mr. M repeats for smoke detector in hallway. Mrs. M watches.

Beep................Beep.................

Mr. M repeats for smoke detector in bedroom one. Mrs. M watches.

Beep................Beep.................

Mr. M repeats for smoke detector in bedroom two. Mrs. M watches.

Beep................Beep.................

Mr. M is super annoyed and contemplates beating them all with a hammer. Mrs. M thinks she should get earplugs.

Beep................Beep.................

Finally Mr. M realizes it's the back up battery is dying from the first smoke detector and cannot be easily removed.

Mr. M: It's the back up battery. Go put it in the kitchen......in the refrigerator.

Mrs. M takes smoke detector and starts out the bedroom door.

Mrs. M: (very seriously) Why the refrigerator?

Mrs. M: (very seriously) So we can't (expletive) hear it!

Mrs. M puts smoke detector in refrigerator and returns to bed. (Of course she never really returns to sleep because she is thinking that what if there really is a fire and the smoke detectors are all ripped out of the cieling and how will they get out and where is the nearest blankie because it's cold......she survives on caffeine all day.)

The next morning Mr. M finds the smoke detector in the refrigerator next to the eggs.

I wish I had a pictures but of course it's been returned to the ceiling now.

Yes, that's us in the morning hours. Mr. and Mrs. Sunshine!